my heart hurts

i'm missing you.

this is great!

this blogging thing is great!  i get to vent and piss and moan and tell stories.  i hurt no one while doing it or piss anyone off! :) ha  it's great!!!

so...i tried doing the reverse psychology thing today with my husband.  ahaha he is either way more intelligent that i give him credit for or dense as a freaking tomato!!!  it didn't work. lol  i'll give it another whirl tomorrow.  see if i can per chance get him to do what i want him to do.  i'll fill ya in again in a few days.  maybe.  if i remember.  i swear...i told my sister today, that i honestly think i have the onset of alzheimers disease.  as i can't remember doo.  haha  eh. well.  i probably do.  my mother had it and the onset of dimentia.  she was nuttier than a fruit cake.  and just as mean.  didn't exactly have the premier parents.  but i loved them just the same. 

been trying to sell a house for about a month.  nothing so far.  wish we would hurry up and do it.  i'm having a bit of difficulty manuevering the stairs since my fall at work.  and it seems to get a little worse as time goes on.  i suppose it's possible that arthritis has set in.  although,  i really hope not.  i've seen people with that and it looks so painful!  i already take enough pain medicine to try and alleviate what pain i already have.  i really don't want to take more.  aside from the addiction possibilities of it, i don't think it's very good for your inner body.  so less i have to take, the better. 

well, getting tired now.  i will write another blog soon.  i enjoy talking and getting things off my chest, so to speak.  i don't really have anyone to talk with or hang out with, so this is good for me. :) 

LOVED????

It dawned on me today, that I don't think I've ever been loved.  I mean, I know I am loved by my sisters, nieces and my daughter.  But I've never had anyone really be "in love" with me.  My husband now, I know isn't in love with me.  I don't think he ever was.  He has been hung up on his exwife for years.  Even the first few times we went out...I had never met his ex-wife before...I didn't know what she looked like...and there was this lady at this club who was really short...and I said just that..."wow, that lady is short!"...and his reply to me was "Hey!!  Susie is short like that, don't talk about her like that!"  I was kind of shocked because I never meant any harm or wasn't being cruel.  I simply stated the woman was way short.  Many times I feel like I've been shorted.  :/  When I was pregnant with my daughter...I was lying on the couch covered up with blanket.  It was quite a chilly December.  One of his daughters was visiting that weekend and she, too, was all covered up in the bedroom...tons of blankets on her.  She told her Dad she needed another blanket.  He comes over, rips the blanket off of me and says "Kimbo needs this"...and just left me laying there.  Which brings me to allowances...I worked very hard for my money and made very little.  My pay check every two weeks was spent on paying him rent...yes, rent!  His child support.  Again, yes...his!   groceries and what bills I had.  I never had a dime left. Kim and Keri each received $30 per week.  I, on the other hand, got $10.  That was it.  $10.  I realize it was my own stupid fault.  But I thought he was the best.  His ex-wife was allowed to come in our home anytime...she even went thru my things...and he told me I couldn't say a thing,  That she was welcome there.  After all, his daughter lived with us.  I understand that, but she would make herself at home...I came home from work many times with her lounging on "my" couch, with her feet up on the coffee table.  ???  Lots of other things, too.  I will vent much later.  But that is pretty much what I've lived with for a long time.  I passed up on several great guys.  Hmmmm...maybe they would have loved me???  sigh.  Oh well...my fault.  No one to blame but "ME".

NEVER ENDING...blah blah blah

Just when I think I can handle staying married to the person I married...I get crapped on again. I get so sick and tired of always being made out to be so stupid. Or like today...I simply asked a question...and I get the "I don't know Valerie...I don't want to argue...maybe I'm fucking tired!" Really? Are you serious right now??? I simply asked a question...in response to your "I wouldn't have put them up here!" statement in regards to a pair of effing tennis shoes. I asked "Why wouldn't you put them up here?". It brings me back to the very beginning of our relationship. I should have listened to my Dad. He told me to run...and when I look back on certain things...I so should have. I think I will start a blog on the very beginning. Yes. Good idea. I will do that later today. I need to vent...so that is where I shall begin.

Future author??

I love to write!  So, I've been tossing around the idea of writing.  Children's books, to be exact.  I actually have written 2.  But they were lost when my computer crashed.  I wasn't sure how to retrieve the information out of it.  So, unfortunately, it was taken to the "internet graveyard".  I'm somewhat afraid of rejection.  But, there is only one way to get published...and that is to turn in what you've got and hope for the best.  I need a little bit of reassurance and a helping hand though.  It's unfortuate that I'm so insecure about things like that.  I've gotten much better over the years.  The older I get, the more confident I am.  I just haven't quite got that one down. :)  However, I feel I have an edge...I am a preschool teacher that reads lots and lots of children's books. So I think I can do it!!!  Prayers for me please!!!  It would be so appreciated. I know I have no followers.  But I do have God and Jesus.  :)  And I know they will be rooting for me.